


Cats Take Precedence Over Death

by ArtNerdSarah



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Characters technically die but they get better, Crack, Crack Fic, Crack One shot, Crack Taken Seriously, Crack with fluff, Everybody Lives, F/F, I did my best, I may or may not be using this to vent just a little bit about some characters, Jon becomes increasingly exhasperated, Just a little bit of Angst, M/M, No archival assistants were harmed in the making of this fic, One Shot, One beta we still die like archival assistants, Some characters may be a bit ooc, jon does ungodly things with caffeine, jon has a mug of sins, or a lot, spoilers up through around season 4, swears, use of the f word
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:34:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25170046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtNerdSarah/pseuds/ArtNerdSarah
Summary: Jon got a new cat. She’s a very popular cat. Maybe a little TOO popular.Jon does ungodly things to caffeine.
Relationships: Elias Bouchard/Peter Lukas (but they’re currently divorced), Georgie Baker/Melanie King (implied), Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Manuela Dominguez/Helen | The Distortion (implied), Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood/Tim Stoker, Oliver Banks/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist (one-sided), Oliver Banks/Martin Blackwood (one-sided)
Comments: 42
Kudos: 198





	Cats Take Precedence Over Death

**Author's Note:**

> You know, originally, this was just going to be a fic about the main archival assistants spending time with Jon’s cat. Then it got out of hand.
> 
> This fic was partially inspired by “Send Jon Cat Photos. It’s The Only Joy He Has Anymore” By NeedsCaffeineRightNow. It’s really funny and you should go read that, too
> 
> Enjoy :)
> 
> Edit: Beta’d by TsukiNoTamashi

Jonathan Sims had been working on some rather important paperwork when he was oh so _rudely_ interrupted by one Elias Bouchard, Head Bitch.

Jon gave him a glare. “Elias…?”

“Jon.” Elias’ voice was smooth, calm, and level. _Utterly infuriating_. “I believe this… rebellion of yours has gone on long enough. Don’t you?”

“What’s the matter, Elias?” Jon said, smirking as he crossed one leg over the other. “Have something against skirts?” It wasn’t often that Jon managed to do something so _utterly against the rules_ that Elias “I’ll Let My Archival Assistants Get Eaten By Worms” Bitchard actually **_did something about it_ **, so Jon always relished in the few moments when he managed to get Elias to crack.

“Actually, Jon, I have little care for you breaking the dress code. What I was referring to was…” Elias gestured his hand towards the desk. “ _That._ ”

Atop Jon’s desk, a sleek black cat with adorable yellow eyes was curled in on herself, taking a well deserved nap.

Jon looked Elias dead in the eye and said, “She’s my emotional support cat. She supports me emotionally whenever I have to put up with your bullshit.” Jon picked up his mug of tea and took a sip, never breaking eye contact.

Elias’ eye twitched. “Jon, you and I **both** know that cat has not been trained to do _anything_.”

“Actually, she’s been trained to use the litter box and she doesn’t destroy property. Furthermore, weren’t you the one who said formal training wasn’t the only thing that mattered? I don’t think anyone in the office has a library sciences degree.” He took another sip.

Elias took off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Jon. I can understand your… disruptive habits. What I cannot, however, is allow animals to simply _roam free among the archives_.”

“Kick her out and I will personally burn this place to the ground. Besides, what are you going to do about my ‘rebellion’? Fire me?”

Elias sneered. _Finally_! “That excuse won’t work forever, Jon.”

“Won’t it, though?”

The Colonel lifted her head up, just as Elias turned to leave. She hissed at him. Elias sneered once more before leaving.

…

“Jon?” Martin opened the door just enough to let Martin poke his head through. “I brought you some more tea. I hope you don’t mind if—” Martin cut himself off with a huge gasp. “Is that a cat?!” Martin wore the biggest grin Jon had ever seen on him.

Jon couldn’t help but smile. “Indeed it is. Martin, this is The Colonel. Colonel, this is Martin.”

The Colonel patted her paw against the tape recorder, pressing several buttons and very much disrupting whatever work Jon could have been doing at the time. She then looked up at Martin and blepped.

With a totally straight face, Jon said, “She’s my new assistant.” Jon scratched her neck, to which she purred and blepped again.

Martin gasped again. “She’s so beautiful.” Martin wasted no time hurrying over to the desk to place the mug down. And get closer to The Colonel, no doubt. “May I…?”

Jon nodded. “She loves attention,” he remarked before returning to his paperwork.

Martin kneeled down in front of the desk so he was closer to the Colonel’s level. “Aw, who’s a good girl?” He scratched just under her chin. “Who’s a good kitty?”

The Colonel purred and leaned into his hand, before leaning her head down to start licking his wrist.

Martin gasped yet again. “She likes me! Jon, she likes me!”

“I did tell you she loves the attention, didn’t I?”

Martin leaned closer to kiss her nose. “Who’s a little cutie~?”

“You.”

Jon and Martin both stopped what they were doing to stare at each other.

“What.”

“What.”

…

The Colonel patted her paws against Tim’s keyboard. His screened showed gibberish.

Tim nodded, one hand on his chin. “Mmm. Interesting contribution, Colonel. I never would have thought of that.”

The Colonel meowed from her perch on his desk.

Tim nodded. “Incredible insight.” He ruffled the fur on her head. “You deserve all the scritches for doing such a good job.”

The Colonel plopped onto her side and meowed, tail swishing. She lifted her top front paws.

Tim smirked. “Oh, you want a belly rub?” he asked, while giving her said belly rub. She purred. “Wonderful. Stunning. Goddess. You deserve the world, you absolute queen!”

“Tim?” Jon called as he left his office. “Tim, have you seen The Colonel? I can’t seem to—” His eyes landed on The Colonel. “There she is!”

Jon started walking towards Tim’s desk, ready to pick her up, but Tim took The Colonel into his arms. “She’s my cat now.” He stuck his tongue out at Jon.

“ _Tim_ ,” Jon scolded, “Don’t you _dare_ try to steal my cat.”

“Hmmmm…” Tim lifted The Colonel up so she could face him. “I think she likes me more.” The Colonel licked his nose.

“ _Tim_!”

The Colonel meowed.

“Why don’t we let The Colonel decide, hm?” Tim wore a smug smirk. “Because I know she likes me more.”

Jon raised his eyebrow. “Fine. Put her down and let her decide.”

Tim did so, and The Colonel immediately trotted over to Jon. She started patting at his leg until Jon picked her up.

Tim’s mouth gaped. “ _That traitor_!”

Jon pulled a treat out of his back pocket and gave it to The Colonel, who happily nibbled. “It’s because I’m the one who spoils her with treats.” Jon turned on his heel and left.

…

The door opened slightly. Sasha poked her head into the office. “Jon?”

“Yes, Sasha?” Jon didn’t look up from his paperwork.

The Colonel was helping by licking some of the pages. Jon gave her another treat without looking, which she nibbled.

Sasha squealed just a bit. “I um—” She cleared her throat. “I heard from Tim and Martin that there was a cat in here?”

“Yes, there is.” Jon absentmindedly scratched between The Colonel’s ears.

“And I wanted to greet it.”

“Feel free.”

Sasha grinned. She ran over to the desk and scooped The Colonel up into her arms. “Hello, lovely!”

The Colonel meowed and started licking her cheek.

“Aw, I love you too!”

Jon was unable to hide his smile. So, he took a sip of his tea.

…

Melanie walked right into Jon’s office, without a knock or any kind of forewarning, strode over to his desk, and sat atop it. She moved The Colonel onto her lap, and thus out of reach of the treats Jon had just been feeding her.

Jon cleared his throat. “ _Do you mind?_ I’m in the middle of recording a follow-up.”

“I don’t mind!” She started playing with The Colonel’s toe beans, to which The Colonel blepped.

“Of course, you don’t.” Jon sighed, took off his glasses, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Melanie, I’m _quite_ busy.”

“Too bad. Cats take precedence over work.” The Colonel purred when Melanie started rubbing her belly. “Hey, Jon? Is that thing recording?”

“Yes, it is.”

Melanie moved closer to the tape recorder, so The Colonel’s purrs would be more easily heard by the tape recorder.

“Right. Are you doing this _just to spite me_?”

“No.” She hummed. “I love cats. _And_ I want to spite you.”

Jon rolled his eyes. “Of course. Right. WEll, tell Georgie I say hi and the Admiral is always free to visit.”

…

Georgie came into the office, carrying the Admiral in her arms “Jon?”

“Georgie?” Jon looked up from his desk while The Colonel kept nibbling the treats in his open palm. “What are you doing h…” His eyes landed on The Admiral. “Baby.”

“Melanie said you had a cat of your own now,” Georgie said as she stepped closer, “and that you said yours was cuter. I came here to prove a point.”

Jon’s eyes never left The Admiral. His words were somewhat rushed. “I said nothing of the sort. I love all cats equally. Now may I please pet The Admiral?”

Georgie snorted. “Sure. As long as I get to pet The Colonel, too.” She placed the Admiral on the desk.

“What kind of monster would I be if I refused?”

The Admiral nuzzled The Colonel, who immediately nuzzled back.

The two of them spent the whole afternoon loving their own and each other’s cats. Jon spent quite a lot of that feeding The Colonel treats, and sneakily feeding The Admiral treats when Georgie wasn’t looking.

…

“Jon, _no_ . Just **_no_ **.”

Jon smirked.

“Jon, I am _not_ an animal person. No matter what your… _Freaky powers_ may tell you.”

“I see.” Jon continued to visibly play with The Colonel’s toe bans. She blepped. “So…” He squeezed just enough to make the paw pads more pronounced, but not enough to hurt. _Never enough to hurt_. “This isn’t adorable to you?” He Knew the truth.

Daisy narrowed her eyes. “Jon, _we’re already on good terms_ . You saved my life, for Christ’s sake. You don’t need to… _win me over_ me with your cat.”

“I never said I was trying to.”

“Do you think your cat can _charm me_?”

“Never said that.” The Colonel blepped from her spot in Jon’s lap. Jon started scratching between her ears, causing her to purr. “I simply asked if you wanted to pet The Colonel.”

“Well, I _don’t_.”

“Alright.”

The Colonel kept purring.

There was a pause.

“Jon, if you don’t give me that cat **_right now_ **, I’m going to bloody choke you.”

“Called it.” Jon held out The Colonel to Daisy.

Daisy scooped The Colonel up into her arms. “Shut up. And no one gets to know about this, alright?”

“Mmm.” Jon sipped his tea. “After everything we’ve been through, I’m surprised you’re still keeping up the whole Untouchable Badass persona.”

“Fighting off the hunt doesn’t mean I wan’t people to think I’m _weak_ , Jon.” She growled.

“Alright alright.” He took another sip.

…

Basira cornered Jon in the breakroom. “Alright, spill. Why is Daisy acting like sunshine and rainbows all of a sudden?”

Jon just blinked at her. “What.”

“You must have done something.” Basira crossed her arms. “I haven’t seen her this happy in **_ages_ **, and I wanna know how to do it. ALright/“

“I genuinely have no clue what you’re talking about,” Jon commented as he refilled his mug of tea.

Basira shook her head. “ _She hasn’t grimaced at anyone since you two spoke_ . Not to mention, Tim made a joke earlier, and Daisy raised an eyebrow and exhaled through her nose **at the same time**.”

Jon felt the wind leave him. “She must be _really happy_.”

“Yeah. She is. Now tell me what you did so I can do it again later.”

“I just let her see The Colonel.”

Basira pursed her lips. “The what…?”

At that moment, The Colonel rubbed against Basira’s ankle, purring.

There was a moment of silence.

“Jon, I would die for this cat.”

…

A door that wasn’t there before opened up in Jon’s office, revealing Helen. “Archivist?”

Jon looked up at her. “Helen? What are _you_ doing here?”

She grinned, clapped her pointy hands together, and stepped out of her hallway. “I heard there was a very good cat in here!”

“Yes. Her name is The Colonel.” The Colonel was currently licking one of her paws. Jon gave her another treat, to which she happily nibbled. “How did you hear about this, exactly?”

“Does that really matter, Archivist?” That was Michael. _That was Michael_ , who was currently stepping out of Helen’s doorway. “We’re both here now.”

“Michael?! Aren’t you dead?!”

Michael laughed his headache inducing laugh. “I suppose I am. Or perhaps I merely _was_.”

“How…” Jon’s breath was shaky. “How are you here?”

“Cats take precedence over death, Archivist.” Michael laughed again.

Helen grinned. “Exactly!”

“That doesn’t…” Jon simply let his words trail off.

The Colonel started whining, due to a lack of both pets and treats. Jon gave her another treat and started scratching under her chin.

“Right. Well…” Jon cleared his throat. “I’m not sure if it would be entirely safe for you two to… to um… What with your…” Was it rude to call them knife hands?

“Our knife hands?” Michael grinned. His hands began to snap and contort back into human-shaped hands, as did Helen’s. “You should know we can do that, given how I first met your friend Sasha.”

Jon winced at the sound of bones snapping. “Right. Okay. Um… I suppose you can pet her. Just… be careful.”

The two Distortions gave The Colonel many head scratches and many belly rubs, while Jon had a mental freak out in the corner.

…

“Well, at least it’s a rather calm day today, Colonel.”

The Colonel meowed at him.

“I know I know, you want another treat, don’t you?”

The Colonel meowed at him again.

Jon ruffled her fur. “Yes, yes, I know, I know. I spoil you.” Jon gave her another treat, then took a sip of his tea.

Jon’s office door was violently thrown off its hinges.

Jon violently spat out his tea.

The Colonel jumped.

“ **Cat** . **_Now_ **.” It was Jude Perry, standing in the doorway with her arms crossed.

Jon stared at her like a dead fish. “I’m sorry, _what_?”

“I said, **_CAT_ ** . **_NOW_ **.”

Jon nearly choked. “ _Pardon_?”

Jude rolled her eyes. “ _Show me your cat_ , Archivist. **_I want to see the cat_ ** _._ ” She strode over to the desk and leaned forward. “Show me the cat before I **burn this place to the ground** and—”

“She’s right here!” Jon said, gesturing to the cat that was mere inches from Jude. Jon then looked down at his burned hand, up at Jude Perry, and frowned. “Jude, don’t touch The Colonel. If you even _think_ about hurting her—” He picked up the Colonel and stood, “—I will make what Gertrude did to Eugene Vanderstock look like a _mercy_.”

Jude held up her hands in surrender. “Woah. Cool it, hot stuff.”

“Did you just make _two puns in a row_?”

“All I want is to _see_ her.” Jude kneeled a bit so she was eye-level with The Colonel, who was still being held by Jon. The Colonel blepped at Jude. “I like her.” Jude grinned. “A lot less annoying than you.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“Oh, by the way,” Jude gestured her thumb towards the door, “Jane’s also here.”

Jon turned his gaze to the doorway, where one Jane Prentiss—worm hive extraordinaire—waved at him. Jon nearly dropped The Colonel, he was in such a state of shock.

“No. No no no. She’s _dead_ . I—” Jon backed up, still holding The Colonel. “I have her **ashes in a jar**.”

Jane and Jude both shrugged and said, “Cats take precedence over death,” in unison.

Jane strode inside towards Jon’s desk, but stayed a good few feet away. “The Colonel, right? She’s cute. I like her.”

“Please don’t give her worms.”

“No need to be so _paranoid_ . Look, Jane and I are just here to _see_ the cat. That’s all!” Jude slapped Jane on the back. “I made sure of that.”

Jane growled. “ _Watch it_. Don’t go burning my worms.”

“Jon?” Martin was in the doorway, holding a mug. “I brought you some teaAAAAHH!” Martin jumped back, causing him to drop the mug. It shattered on the ground.

…

The Colonel sat by Jon’s feet, drinking from a bowl of water that had some nice ice cubes in it to keep her cool.

A woman entered his office. For several moments, Jon thought it was Sasha, until he realized that he was looking at a woman who looked _completely different in every way_.

“Uh…” Jon put down his mug of coffee. “Who exactly are you?”

She grinned. “I’m Sasha!” She put a hand on her chest. “Don’t you recognize me?”

Jon squinted at her. “No, you’re _definitely not_.”

“Oh, alright. You caught me. I _could have been_ Sasha. Is that better?”

“Are you…” Jon’s eyes widened. “You’re the Not Them!” Jon grabbed The Colonel from off the floor and stood up, ready to make a break for it. “I thought the author wrote you out of the story!”

“Yeah, well, I wrote myself back in.”

Jon grabbed the stapler off of his desk and popped it open, ready to use as a weapon if need-be. “ **TELL ME WHAT YOU’VE DONE TO SASHA JAMES**!” The Colonel started hissing at the Not Sasha.

Just then, the door opened again, revealing Sasha James. _The real Sasha James._ “Jon? Did you call me?”

Jon looked between the two women. God, the similarities were so **uncanny**. The whole was identical, but every time Jon looked for a specific detail, nothing matched.

“Sasha… Thank goodness you’re alright.”

“Of course, I am!” Sasha grinned. “I’m unstoppable.” She finally noticed the other woman. “Hey! You! Get out of here! Do I need to get the broom?”

Not!Sasha hissed and scampered away.

Jon put down the stapler. “Thank you, Sasha.”

“All in a day’s work!” She winked and walked away.

…

Jon walked to his office carrying his mug of coffee, which now contained no sugar (just some cream) and more espresso shots, only to find another man sitting in his desk chair. The man wore a black leather jacket, had several tattoos of eyes, and his hair was very poorly dyed black.

“Gerry?”

“Yeah?” Gerry looked up from The Colonel, who was napping in his lap. “What of it?”

“I burned your page. How are you here?”

Gery went to scratch The Colonel behind her ears. “Cats take precedence over death.” He gave Jon a once over, smirking. “You look like hell.”

“Yeah, well, I feel like hell, so…” Jon took another sip of his drink. “Not strong enough.”

Gerry snorted. “Try vodka yet?”

“I think I need to be sober for this, Jon mumbled.

“Suit yourself.

…

Jon froze, mid-sip of his black coffee.

A shadow loomed over him.

Jon looked up and found himself face to face with a towering presence: A plastic ringmaster.

Jon gulped and placed his mug down. “N… Nikola… Orsinov?”

“Archivist! So glad you finally noticed me! I was standing quite still for **several** minutes! Actually, it might even be closer to half an hour!”

“Right. You uh…” Jon gulped. “Survived the explosion, then?”

“Oh, **INDEED** , ARCHIVIST! That was a _very clever plan_ of yours, and you executed it quite well. I’m actually quite proud! Disappointed that all of our hard work failed, but still quite proud!” Nikola clapped her plastic hands together. “Especially in that assistant of yours. Tim, was it? He could have EASILY perished, but he still went through with it!”

“Right. He uh… He was lucky to survive that.” Jon tugged at the edge of his collar. “Uh… Are you here to kill me…?” Jon gulped.

“What?” Nikola laughed. “No no NO Archivist!” She patted his cheek with a bit too much force for his liking. “No. I’m simply here to congratulate you all on saving the world! And because I heard there was a very good cat in the Archives that I would _very much_ like to see. So I thought, why not do both?”

“Oh!” Jon let out a sigh of relief. “Right. Right. Another avatar here to see my cat.”

Right on cue, The Colonel jumped up onto Jon’s lap, then up onto the desk. She meowed at Nikola as her tail swished.

“That’s how she asks for attention.”

Nikola gasped. “Look at **YOU**!” She lifted The Colonel up with both hands. “Aren't you a precious little thing! Hello, darling~”

The door opened, revealing Tim. He held papers and a pen with one hand, and the doorknob with the other. “Jon? I heard—” His eyes landed on Nikola. “ _You_ .” Tim dropped the papers, seeming not to care at all. “ **How did you survive**?”

She turned to Tim. “AH! There you are!” She cradled The Colonel in her arms. “I wanted to tell you how very proud I am of you. You know, Danny has been telling me ALL ABOUT you on the way here—”

“ **_Shut_ ** . **_Up_ **.” Tim walked in, gripping his pen like a knife. “Don’t you dare say that name to me. Don’t you dare—”

“Tim?” Another man was suddenly there. He was strikingly handsome, and bore an even more striking resemblance to Tim.

Jon took another sip of his coffee and hoped nobody would get hurt. Why couldn’t he have gotten any cool powers? Useful ones, for defense or something? Noooooo. The Beholding had to give him things like Airdropping Random Facts Into His Head or Asking Questions Just With A Little More Oomf. Nothing useful in a situation like this.

Tim pointed the pen at the other man. “What is this? Stranger trickery? _Danny is dead_.”

“So were Michael and Gerry,” mumbled Jon as he took another sip.

The man shrugged. “Cats take precedence over death. I heard The Colonel was cute, so I came.”

Tim looked to Jon. “Is that really him?”

“I could, uh… I could check?”

“ **_Do it_ **.” Tim’s response was near instant.

Danny smiled at Tim. “Anything to make you feel better.”

Nikola chuckled. “If it will make you both feel better.” The Colonel started licking her cheek. “Oh hello! Yes! I do love you, too!” She scratched under The Colonel’s chin.

Jon sighed, placed his mug down, and stood up. He turned to Danny. “ **_What is your name_ **?”

“Danny Stoker.”

“ **_What are you doing here_ **?”

“I came to see a cat and my brother.”

“ **_What happened to you_ **?”

“I was dead, but now I’m not. I don’t know how or why.”

Tim started to tear up. “Danny. It really is you!” Tim ran forward and wrapped his arms around Danny, who did the same back to Tim.

“Hey, Tim. Long time no see, huh?” Tim turned to Nikola and mouthed, ‘I’ll get my turn with The Colonel later.’

Nikola nodded.

Jon would need something a lot stronger.

…

Jon was in the middle of a _very serious_ discussion with The Colonel. “I’ve already given you too many treats, Colonel. You have plenty of kibbles, and too many treats is unhealthy.”

The Colonel meowed.

“You make a very good point, but it’s still not healthy.”

The Colonel meowed.

Jon sighed. “Fine. You can have one more.”

He gave her another treat, which she nibbled.

A tall, dark, and handsome man walked into Jon’s office, head up high like he owned the place.

Jon looked up from his _very serious_ discussion with The Colonel. “I don’t believe we’ve met. Who are you?”

The man adjusting his tie. “Actually, we have met before.” He offered his hand to shake. “Oliver Banks.”

“You woke me up from my coma!” Jon reached across the desk to take Oliver’s hand. “Thank you for your help!”

Oliver bent forward and kissed Jon’s hand. “Please. The pleasure is all mine.”

Jon could see Martin through the door, glaring from his desk at Oliver. He may have also been hissing.

Jon coughed and pulled his hand away. “So… What brings you to the Archives?”

“Other than to see you?” Oliver asked, punctuating his question with a wink. “Simple. I heard there was a cat.”

“Right.” Jon sighed. “Yes, yes, of course. She’s right here.” The Colonel meowed at Jon. Jon sighed and gave her another treat. “Can you tell me why so many dead people have been able to visit?”

Oliver shook his head. “Jon, you should know by now. Cats take precedence over death.” He ran his hand along The Colonel’s hand as she nibbled on her treat. “Beautiful creature.”

“Yeah.” Jon smiled. “She really is.”

“I was talking about _you_.” 

Jon blushed. “Oh?” He cleared his throat. “Were you, now?”

“ALRIGHT!” Jon could hear Martin shout from his desk. “THAT’S IT!” Martin stormed right inside, walked right up to Oliver, and placed his finger against Oliver’s chest. “You’re pretty bold if you think you can just walk right in here and—”

“And who is _this_ lovely creature I see?” Oliver took Martin’s hand and kissed it, causing Martin to become a blushing stuttering mess.

Now it was Jon’s turn to get jealous. “Oliver? Out. Now.”

…

His office door creaked open, revealing a woman in a black lab coat.

Jon blinked at her. “Manuela? Manuela Dominguez? I thought… Didn’t Helen take you?”

She squinted, held up her hand to shield her eyes from the light, and started padding around the wall for the light switch. “Yes. She told me there was a cat here.”

Jon sighed, rubbing his forehead. “Yes, there is. Her name is The Colonel.”

The Colonel was on his desk, curled up and fast asleep.

Manuela finally found the light switch and flicked it off. “Much better” She shut the door behind herself. “It could be darker, of course, but this is alright.”

Manuela approached the desk. Once she was close enough to touch it, her eyes finally landed on The Colonel. “Oh.” She kneeled down. “Such sleek, black fur…” Her hand inched closer, hesitant. _Reverent_. “So dark and beautiful…” Her hand finally reached The Colonel’s head. “Truly, a most holy creature.”

Jon couldn’t tell due to how dark it was, but he was pretty sure Manuela was crying.

The Colonel’s eyes opened. She reached out her paw and bapped Manuela’s nose before blepping.

“She— She touched me!” Manuela closed her eyes and started sobbing.

The Colonel got up and padded towards the edge of the desk so she could lick Manuela’s tears away.

“Thank you, Archivist!”

Jon looked at his mug, which had half a dozen shots of pure espresso mixed with the normal coffee grinds. _This would not be enough._

…

Jon gasped, feeling the air rush back into his lungs all at once. He gripped his chest. “What…?” He looked around, as the world finally registered as tangible again. Hadn’t he just been falling? Jon looked up. “Mike…? Mike Crew…? H-How did?”

Mike was holding The Colonel in one arm while petting her with the other. “I wanted to meet your cat, and I thought it would be efficient for me to feed while I did so.” Mike looked Jon up and down. “Still hard to ask prying questions at terminal velocity?”

“Don’t—” Jon was still gasping for air. “ _You could have just asked_!”

“I could have.” Mike continued petting The Colonel. “But one of your coworkers said you were being rather… annoying, and I thought you needed to learn a lesson again. Melanie, I believe.”

Jon sighed. “She doesn’t like me all that much. And… I don’t blame her.”

“Would you like me to get you some tea? I think one of your assistants just made a pot. Martin, I believe?”

“No, I uh…” Jon held up his mug. “I’m covered. Unless you know of something stronger than a dozen espresso shots in a single container?”

Mike smirked. “Don’t let Martin hear you say that.”

“Right. Right. I won’t.” Jon took a sip of his Barely Even Coffee Anymore. “Didn’t you die? Daisy. She… I saw her shoot you.”

“Cats take precedence over death.”

“Right. _Of course_.” Jon swallowed the rest of his drink.

…

Breakon and Hope entered Jon’s office, both wheeling in a small box.

Breakon, or Hope, said, “Delivery.”

Hope, or Breakon, said, “For one A’chivist.”

Breakon, or Hope, held up a clip board.

Hope, or Breakon, said, “Sign ‘ere.”

Jon sighed. “Is this going to kill me?”

“Won’t hurt,” said Breakon, or Hope.

“Gift from us,” said Hope, or Breakon.

“Oh! That’s rather kind of you both.” Jon signed off for the package. “I normally don’t get presents.” He used his pen to slice open the box’ tape. Inside were dozens upon dozens of home-baked cat treats. “This… This is so kind. Thank you!”

“Our pleasa,” said Breakon, or Hope.

“Nikola helped,” said Hope, or Breakon.

The Colonel started meowing from her perch on Jon’s desk.

Jon chuckled. “You can smell these, can’t you?” He took one out and gave it to The Colonel, who started nibbling. “Yes, yes, I know. You’ve been thoroughly spoiled.” He ruffled her hair, causing her to purr.

Breakon, or Hope, asked, “May we pet ‘er?”

Hope, or Breakon, asked, “Or feed ‘er?”

Jon smiled. “I’m sure she’d love the attention.” The Colonel meowed, as if to agree. “Thank you again for the gift. We both appreciate it.” Another meow of presumed agreement.

Breakon, or Hope, started scratching under The Colonel’s chin. “Beau’iful.”

Hope, or Breakon, started scratching between her ears. “Stunnin’.”

Jon placed the box down on his desk and picked up his mug, which was currently just housing some energy drink Jon hadn’t remembered the name of.

…

Jon stared up at the massive man of too many bones and odd proportions and jutting flesh in front of him, and all at once Jonathan Sims felt very very small. He clutched The Colonel, who remained perfectly calm, close to his chest. “Jared Hopworth?”

Jared stared down at the pair. “Small cat. She’s cute.” 

“She, uh…” Jon gulped. “Yes she is.”

Jon couldn’t bring himself to refuse when Jared kneeled down to pet The Colonel with one of his smaller hands. The Colonel started purring.

“Soft cat. Sweet little thing.”

“She sure is a sweetheart.” Jon was definitely sweating by now. “Absolute love. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to her.”

“Worth protecting, this one.” Despite the fact that Jared was kneeling, he was at the perfect level for both of them to maintain eye contact. “Both of you ‘re small and weak. ‘Specially you. All skin an’ bones.” Jared chuckled at his own joke.

Jon gulped. “Is that so?” He took a step back. “Well, I uh…”

Jared stood back up to his full height. “You need more bones.”

“WE’RE PERFECTLY ALRIGHT, THANK YOU!”

Jared frowned. “Yours aren’t right. ‘Specially the ribs. Need the right ones.”

“I’m perfectly alright!” Jon took several steps back. “So is The Colonel! We are both perfectly happy with how we look right now!”

“Won’t hurt too much.”

“Jared, please, I— AH!” Jon was yanked backwards and pulled inside of a door, which was then shut. He looked around. This was the Distortion’s domain, wasn’t it? He turned to the person who had pulled him to safety. “Helen?”

The Colonel meowed for attention.

Helen smiled. “It looked like you needed a helping hand.” She ruffled The Colonel’s head with her palm, making sure to avoid hitting The Colonel with her knife hands.

Jon turned his head. “Michael? You’re… still here?”

“Indeed, Archivist~” Michael laughed his headache-like laugh.

Jon sighed. “Thank you, both. I really appreciate the—” He noticed where both of them were looking. “—help. You just saved me to spend more time with my cat, didn’t you?”

The Colonel whined from a lack of attention. Jon started petting her.

“I know I care more about that furry feline than any Archivist~” Michael chuckled.

Helen patted his shoulder. “Jon, if it’s any consolation, I was the one who convinced him we should save you _both_.”

“Right.”

Manuela stumbled into the hallway they were in, shielding her eyes. “Helen? Would you mind turning off the lights? It’s a bit—” Her eyes landed on The Colonel. “It’s **_her_ **.”

“Sure thing, dear,” Helen said, as she dimmed the lights in the hallway. “Would you like some time with The Colonel?”

Jon hummed. “I suppose I wouldn’t mind.”

“No one asked you, Archivist,” Michael commented.

Manuela was already tearing up again. “Please.”

…

Jon probably shouldn’t have poured more than one Five Hour Energy drink into his mug, let alone the six that he did, but by this point he didn’t care about any potential side effects. As long as Martin didn’t start asking questions, he would be fine.

Jon sipped his mug, unaware of the presence of another person until he noticed The Colonel purring. He looked up to see a man in a cartoonish captain’s outfit petting the cat on the desk. Jon squinted. The man was almost hard to see, as if his gaze kept sliding off the man any time he tried to look.

His eyelids started to droop.

Jon started to feel very… very… alone…

Even if there was someone else there, it was a complete stranger.

Even if his assistants, his _friends_ , were nearby they were all outside of his office…

Melanie resented him, Georgie was distant…

Maybe he was…

_… all …_

_… alone …_

Jon snapped his eyes open. His gaze focused on the man in his office. “You’re of The Lonely, then?” He sneered at the stranger, now scooping up his cat and pulling her away. “Peter Lukas, I presume?” Jon stood up, still holding The Colonel.

Peter smiled. “Right you are, Archivist! I’m quite impressed! Elias said you would be strong, but I hadn’t expected that.”

“What do you want, _Peter Lukas_?”

“Well, you see, I heard through the grapevine that you had a _very lovely cat_ here in the archives, and I just had to come see for myself! She’s quite a lovely thing.”

The Colonel seemed to come out of a daze as well, as she started hissing at Peter.

“Well that’s just rude.”

Jon scratched under her chin. “No, I think she’s quite correct.”

The door slammed open to reveal Elias. “ **_Peter_ **.”

Jon picked up his mug and took a sip, deciding that whatever was going on between those two was _not worth his time_ and all he wanted was for Peter to _leave his Archive as soon as possible_.

Peter spun around. “Ah! Elias! I was just planning to come talk to you.” He started to take a velvet box out of his pocket. “You see, I was thinking we should—”

“Peter,” Elias cut him off, “ **_where is my alimony check_ **?”

“Ah! Right. Well, you see—” Peter vanished entirely.

Jon avoided eye contact with Elias and simply sipped his Too Much Energy drink while The Colonel licked his cheek.

Elias turned his gaze to Jon. “Are you ever going to stop bringing that cat to the Archives?”

“Can’t make me stop.”

Elias groaned and left.

Martin entered after Elias. “Jon? Is everything alright.”

“Yes,” Jon sighed, “Just Peter Luckas coming to see The Colonel.”

Martin sneered. “Peter was here?”

“Unfortunately.”

Martin hummed. “So, I noticed you haven’t been drinking any tea lately?”

Jon cleared his throat. “Oh! You have?”

“And I was wondering. What’s in that mug of yours?”

_Shit._ **_Shit_ ** . “What mug?” **_NOT THAT DUMB_ **.

“Riiiiight. Why don’t I come back when you’re more… Coherent?” Martin left, closing the door behind himself.

…

Jon lifted his head up from his mug of Redline Xtreme Energy, supposedly the most powerful energy drink in the world. Two men stood there, expectantly. “Right.” Jon put his mug down. “And who exactly are you two?”

The first one bowed. “Simon Fairchild.” He smirked up at Jon. “I believe you have some statements about me?”

“Right.” Jon gulped. “Yes, I do.” He took a large sip of his drink. “I assume you came to see The Colonel… and _not_ throw me into The Vast?”

“Indeed! You’re quite the clever Archivist, aren’t you? Mike Crew was right about you in that regard.”

Jon nodded. “Okay. I can work with that.” He turned to the other man as The Colonel nuzzled against his ankle. “And you?” Jon took a sip.

The other man, dressed in clothes better suited for the 1810s than the 2010s, bowed an even deeper bow than Simon. “Robert Smirke.”

Jon spat out his drink. “Excuse me?”

The door opened and Tim stuck his head in. “Excuse me?”

Smirk turned to Tim, said, “We can talk later,” waited for Tim to close the door, then turned back to Jon. “I wish to see the cat as well.”

“You’ve been **_dead for almost two centuries_ **.”

“Cats take precedence over death.”

The Colonel hopped up onto Jon’s lap.

While Smirke approached like a normal person and simply kneeled down to scratch The Colonel’s chin, Simon Fairchild ran across the room and leaped up onto Jon’s desk. If that wasn’t weird enough, he positioned himself into an owl-like squat to reach _down_ to pet her head.

Smirke grinned up at Simon. “She was definitely worth the trip.”

“Indeed, my good fellow! Indeed!”

The Colonel purred from all of the attention.

Jon downed the rest of his mug in a single gulp.

…

Jon was finally alone with The Colonel. _Finally_. She was happily nibbling on some of Breakon and Hope’s home made treats, while Jon was working on some paperwork.

Jon reached out to take his mug, but stopped short of taking it when he noticed the **massive spider**.

He screamed, leaped out of his chair, grabbed the Colonel, and scrambled backwards.

The Colonel started hissing at the spider.

Martin slammed the door open. “Jon?! What’s wrong?!”

Jon was panting as he backed up. “Ah. Sorry. Just uh…” Jon gulped. “Just a spider. A really… **big** spider.”

“Oh.” Martin let out a sigh of relief. “You _really_ had me worried there.” He stepped further inside. “Where is it?”

“On the mug…”

Martin walked over to the desk and kneeled down. “What, this little guy?” Martin goaded it to crawl onto his hand. “He can’t hurt you. Isn’t that right, little guy?”

Ugh. How _dare_ Martin be so cute holding a spider **_that big and hairy_ **.

Jon took a single step closer. “You’re going to take it outside, then?”

“Yes, Jon.” Martin couldn’t hold back chuckles. “It’s all okay.”

The door creaked closed.

Everyone turned to look.

A woman stood there. “Hello~” Her voice was smooth. “I heard there was a cat?”

Jon and Martin both looked at each other, than at the woman.

“Sorry,” Martin spoke up first, “ _who are you_ , _again_?”

The woman bowed. “Annabelle Cane, at your service.” She stood up and approached Jon. “So this is the one I’ve heard so much fuss about?” She kneeled down to pat The Colonel’s head, who purred in response. “I must say, I am not disappointed. Very pretty. Like a furry little spider.”

Martin’s eyes light up. “YES! Aren’t they so cute?!” He looked down at the spider in his hand and began to pet it. “With their tiny little paws, and their soft fur, and—” Martin stopped when he saw the _look_ Jon was giving him.

_Good_ . Jon didn’t think he could handle any more of them comparing The Colonel to those **_wretched creatures_ **.

Jon couldn’t tell if he was more disgusted, horrified, or insulted, but he knew he felt all three in some measure.

…

Tim ran his hand through Jon’s hair as Jon laid across his lap. “Tim, I feel like I’m _losing my mind_!”

Tim hummed. “More than you did after Prentiss’ attack?”

“ _Tim_ ,” Jon groaned, “ _I know I was wrong_ , okay?” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I am more sorry than I could ever put into words.”

“And I have since forgiven you.” Tim patted The Colonel’s head with his free hand.

The Colonel was resting in Danny’s lap.

“I know. And… I thank you for that. It couldn’t have been easy.”

“Yeah, well, I was wrong, too. Just a bit.” Tim winked down at Jon.

“I’m just… so confused. People are coming back **from the dead**.”

Danny hummed in agreement while he scratched The Colonel’s back.

“And they’re coming back FOR MY CAT! And while I love The Colonel and thing she deserves all the love and attention she can possibly get, this is just… Kind of insane. Am I cursed?”

Tim continued to play with Jon’s hair. “Cursed with good looks.”

“ _Tim_ , I’m _serious_.”

Tim ignored Jon’s comment. “I know Melanie told Helen, and then Helen started the gossip train.”

“I suppose that makes sense…”

Martin passed by, giving Tim a kiss on the cheek as he did so.

“Tim, do you think The Colonel is secretly an avatar of The End?”

“Doubt it. The End is death, not bringing back the dead, right?”

“Besides,” said Danny, now playing with The Colonel’s paws, “does that even matter? She’s a very good cat.”

The Colonel blepped.

Jon sighed. “I suppose you’re right.” He sat up and gave Tim a quick kiss on the cheek.

…

Jon had officially given up. His mug contained six espresso shots, three containers worth of five our energy, and one full can of that Redline Xtreme thing.

He was barely even _that surprised_ when he found himself face to face with Jurgen MotherFucking Leitner and Gertrude The Fourteen Fears Fear Her Robinson.

“Just to confirm,” Jon took a sip of his Can You Even Call This A Drink Anymore, “You are, in fact, _both dead_? I saw Leitner’scorpse and Martin saw yours, Gertrude?”

Leitner sighed. “Regrettably, yes.”

“Right.” Jon took another sip, his expression merely deadpan. “And let me guess. You’re here because you heard about The Colonel and _cats take precedence over death_. Is that correct?”

“Actually, no.” Gertrude adjusted her glasses. “I here because I wanted you to know just how _very disappointed_ I am in you as my replacement.” Jon felt his heart sink into his gut. “You’ve allowed avatars to run rampant in the archives, undone _all of my hard work_ keeping the Archives in disarray to thwart The Beholding, and you’ve done nothing but bumble around with absolutely no idea what you’re doing! Sasha would have been a much better replacement. At least _she_ would have proven a worthy obstacle toward Elias’ plans.”

Jon lowered his head. “Oh. Right. Of… Of course…” The Colonel jumped up onto his lap and began licking his cheek. Jon held her close.

“ _And_ I want to pet your cat.”

Jon’s eye twitched as he looked up at her. “Sasha was right. You really are a _bitch_.”

“At least **_I_ ** know how to get the job done.”

Leitner sighed. “Both of you, please. There’s no need to fight.”

Jon grabbed his mug, downed a large gulp of his Unholy Concoction, and pondered why the gods had yet to curse him for his hubris.

Gertrude sighed. “You really are useless, aren’t you?”

Jon glared back at her. “At least I don’t ritually sacrifice my archival assistants.”

A door opened up in the wall. Michael stuck his head out. “Oh, Miss Robinson! Do you need any ice for that BURN?!”

Helen also stuck her head out. “Someone call the police, because I just witnessed a MURDER!”

“This is ridiculous.” Leitner rubbed his temple.

Helen winked at Jon. “Just the way we like it!”

“Right.” Jon took another sip of his Crime Against Humanity And Probably The Gods. “Well, since you have just been **insulting** me this whole time, I see no reason to let you even interact with The Colonel in any way—”

The door slammed open, revealing Gerard Keay, holding a bat. “JURGEN LEITNER?!”

Leitner jumped out of his seat and backed up. “You’re that kid that tried to kill me!”

Helen squealed. “Oh, this should be fun! I’ll go get popcorn!” She ran inside the corridors.

Gerry was seething as he stormed forward. “ **_YOU STUPID IDIOT MOTHERFUCKING JURGEN LEITNER_ **!”

Helen then came back out with Manuela and a large container of popcorn.

Gertrude blinked. “Gerard?”

Gerry turned his head towards Gertrude, seething. “ _I’ll deal with you next._ ” He then turned back to Leitner and slammed the bat down over and over as he practically screamed at the old man. “ **_YOU GODDAMN BOOK COLLECTING DUST EATING RAT BASTARD OLD SHITHEAD AVATAR OF THE WHORE_ ** !” Gerry then started kicking in his ribs. “WHY DID YOU HAVE SO MANY **_FUCKED_ ** !” Kick to the nose. “ **_UP_ ** !” Kick to the stomach. “ **_BOOKS_ **!” Kick to the chest.

Gertrude began to back towards the door.

Gerry turned to her, pointing the bat. “AND **_YOU_ ** !” Gerry slammed the bat into her head as well. “YOU LEFT ME TO **_DIE_ ** THEN STUCK ME IN A **_BOOK MADE OUT OF HUMAN SKIN_ **!”

Gertrude held her head. “Gerry, I—”

“ **_DON’T YOU_ ** ‘ **_GERRY_ ** ’ **_ME_ **!” Gerry smacked the bat down so hard that she fell over.

Daisy entered the office, one eyebrow raised. “I don’t know what’s happening, but it’s entertaining.”

Melanie followed in after. “You’re telling me?”

Michael just ate popcorn with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. Helen had her arm around Manuela’s while she ate popcorn. Manuela watched through sunglasses.

Jon, throughout all of this, was slowly moving his way towards the corner.

Gerry kicked her chest in. “ **YOU KNEW I WAS GOING TO DIE AND YOU DID NOTHING**!”

Jon snuck his way around the room and ran out the door, The Colonel against his chest.

…

Jon leaned against Martin’s shoulder while The Colonel licked his hand. “Martin, I’m losing my mind.”

Martin rubbed Jon’s arm. “I know, Jon.”

He sighed. “I’m so tired, Martin.”

“I know, Jon.” He placed a kiss on Jon’s forehead. “But speaking of _that_ in particular…” Martin picked Jon’s mug up. “I think it’s about time we talked about _this_.”

Jon sat upright and gulped. “Oh? Is it, now?”

“Yeah, I think it is.” Martin held the mug in front of The Colonel. Not close enough for her to get into it! He held it just close enough for her to smell it. The Colonel started hissing. “ _Jon_ , even **she** can tell this is an abomination.”

Jon tugged at the edge of his collar. “I see…”

The Colonel hopped off of the couch and trotted away.

“ _Jon_ .” Martin narrowed his eyes. “ **_What exactly have you been drinking_ **?”

“Oh, nothing too special.” Jon cleared his throat. “Just some coffee. Nothing.”

The Colonel came back, dragging a bag of trash with her teeth.

“Really?” Martin ruffled The Colonel’s hair and opened the trash bag. “Let’s see if your trash agrees.” Martin began pulling out cans of the Xtreme, the five hours, and the espresso shots. “Jon. I think if I drank this, I’d have a heart attack.”

Tim cleared his throat, revealing that he was in the doorway, drinking tea _like a normal person_. “Well, Martin, if you do, we know that cats take precedence over death.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, my buddy TsukiNoTamashi and I agreed that all cats love Jon. And according to them, the Portuguese word for cat, “Gato” also means handsome. So Martin and Tim are another layer to “All cats love Jon”.
> 
> I just thought that was cute <3


End file.
